BLOG | patrickjames

LOOK AT THIS ASSHOLE

Get a load of this this asshole. "Wahhh! No one likes me... Wahhh! I got cut from Little League." Somebody call the Whambulence! Listen you slapdick crybaby, don't go parading around Boston stirring shit up at a time like this unless you want a swift kick in the dick courtesy of the Boston PD. Attention whoring is one thing but there's a special place in Satan's asshole for dipshit fear mongerers and that's what this idiot is, plain and simple.

As much as I'm vehemently against the Pussification of America... this guy is the reason we need the C-Team CYO leagues... clearly this physical specimen never made a team in his life and I'm afraid these are the consequences. I'm not saying he should catch a whiff of playing time in any competitive contest whatsoever, but a participation trophy is a small price to pay to keep this LOOSAH from subjecting the general population to his LOOSAH charades.

8:12pm PST -- April 15, 2014

5:15pm PST -- April 15, 2014

I don't know why but these remixes always fuckin slay me. Just something about goats yelling to music like the children's choir at Helen Keller's School for the Special that makes stop and take thanks for the goddamn internet. Nothing compares to the original but with Game of Thrones just killing it right now this remix couldn't be more relevant.

Speaking of which... has any show ever kicked all of TV's collective dick in harder than Game of Thrones? I mean week in week out just giving me tingles and jingles in my bathing suit area. It's gotten to the point where I can't watch Mad Men the same night because it's just a yawnfest after the onslaught of beheadings, orgies, and incessant T&A GoT throws our way. Cuckhold city. Population Don Draper.

GOATS ARE WINNING THE INTERNET

AS PER USUAL...

I consider myself and expert when it comes to judging how good a movie will be based off the trailer and I gotta say I have high hopes for this one. No, I haven't seen a Zac Efron movie that hasn't sucked but at the same time Seth Rogen (love him or hate him) doesn't make shitty movies. There hasn't been a pantheon comedy since the first Hangover and I'm not saying this one is gonna crack the top 10 but it probably has the best chance of anything coming out this summer. Either way this trailer is awesome and here's why.

I'm a sneaky fan of little Franco, and a DeNiro themed frat party is a flat out mogul move.

Rose Byrne hooking up with college chicks is worth the price of admission alone.

Gonna be fun to see Rogen play the "old outta touch guy" hanging on for dear life to his last shred of youth... A sentiment a lot of you stoolies can relate to I'm sure... I know I felt exactly like this on the last Mike Stud tour.

You can't beat a good prank war.

Hannible Burress (the cop) is hilarious and one of the best up and coming comedians... he'll be in every movie next year.

Looks like they spared no expense on the party scenes which is awesome. I was half expecting to see Feitelberg stagedive/take a digger in full costume for a minute there.

And lastly, I gotta say, that shirtless guy looked prettyyyyy prettttttttyyyyyy goooood.

4:30pm PST -- April 20, 2014

NEIGHBORS BETTER NOT SUCK

I'll tell you it doesn't get much better than this*. In a world full of selfies and 1 second a day videos that celebrate mediocrity and delusional self absorption, this train conductor is the hero our society needs but doesn't deserve. The real shame here is that this nameless faceless hero of a conductor is obviously going to be found out and fired after after bizarro Ed Norton sues the pants off of everyone involved. If it were up to me there would be legions of guys dressed as train conductors walking among us ready and able to scissorkick anyone and everyone who dares to take a selfie that doesn't involve boobs or Bill Murray. Swift kicks to the mandible/cerebellum combo are a surefire way to put an end to all this selfie nonsense.

*Assuming this isn't a fake with Jimmy Kimmel driving the train.

Doesn't get anymore flush than this... Woulda been good from 40.

11:33am PST -- April 16, 2014

IN THE FAAAACE!

There are of course a handful of unstoppable forces who cannot be slowed or deterred.

(WATCH THIS... the best 28 seconds of your day)

Should I Dump The Guy I’m Dating Because He Has a Really Small Penis?

via - Betcheslovethis.com

Dear Betch,

I've recently met a super hot pro with whom I've really hit it off with. He's a total gentleman and has asked me out on a few dates and things have been going great. Over the weekend it was his friend’s birthday so we all went out to the club together. After a hot night of drinking & dancing I finally let him take me home. Everything was going great until he took his pants off....this guy is small down there, and quite significantly, might I add. He's literally the smallest I've ever seen and so the sex was bad. I don't know what to do as I really like this guy and he's awesome in everyother aspect.This situation is fairly recent however, so it wouldn't be too late for me to back out since I haven't developed any major feelings yet. But honestly I do want to keep seeing him because he's a fantastic guy in every other aspect. My question is, is this something I can/should deal with, or will I just become more bitter about it overtime so it'd be better to end things now? I know you can't decide for me, I just wanted to get some advice/general knowledge from you as my besties haven't been much help in that department.

Sincerely,

Too Small to Please

Dear Too Small to Please,

Discovering that a guy who's otherwise great has a small penis is always a letdown. These guys also often have pretty good personalities because they need to compensate for something. Take comfort in the fact that even though your guy isn’t physically cocky, he isn’t personality wise either.Unless you’re Samantha Jones, I’ve never heard of someone harboring secret bitter resentment towards someone for having a small penis. Like, a small engagement ring definitely but I can’t remember the last time my bestie told me about a fight with her boyfriend where he was like “could you be nicer to my mom?” and she was like “can you grow a bigger dick?”That being said, if the sex is bad an unexciting the relationship is going to suck. There’s plenty of ways for a guy to make up for the fact that he’s not well endowed. If he’s not pleasing you with sex alone, make sure he goes down on you or find a position where he can get in deeper. The small penis thing shouldn’t be a dealbreaker unless he sucks at all other sexual shit too. Most guys know how to make up for their sexual limitations. I’m sure he’s not under the impression that he’s huge. If he doesn’t try to please you in other ways or make sure you’re sexually satisfied that’s a different story and in that case you should break up with him. Sex life is an extremely important part in a relationship and if the sex isn’t good now, it’s going to really suck once you’re two years in and things aren’t fresh anymore. And hey, in the words of Larry David, it’s possible that you just have a big vagina.Sincerely,

The Betches

Not gonna lie, I got lost down the rabbit hole of BetchesLoveThis while I was going through pics for that Coachsmella rant (previous post) and this headline caught my eye because I know a guy who knows a guy who maybe once heard about a guy with the Irish Curse. It's definitely not me so ya know... don't worry about it. 100% not me. Seriously, I'm fine. I'm good. I'm 6'3 -- it's proportional. No complaints. Extra medium and works 50+ percent of the time so... let it go okay.

Anyway, I gotta admit I was expecting some dipshit backwards hypocrital feminazi emasculation piece here but The Betches kinda nailed it. A good approach to sex is the same as a good approach to anything in life -- know your strengths, know your weaknesses... and always, always double down on oral.

That's the lesson here, gents. Look I don't care if you're packin Peter North heat or you're hung like Chow from The Hangover (NSFW... don't click that, why would you click that?). The fact of the matter is there's always a bigger dick out there. Always. Now for all you cocksmacks who think King Kong ain't got shit on you just wait until you're 25 and have that one extra whiskey before you leave the bar with that girl you've been DYING to take down only to have your "golden boy" let you down at crunchtime. Just leaves you high and dry sitting there crosseyed trying to houdini your limp way in. Oh that's never happened to you? Okay Chief, let's pretend once in your life you actually get to bring home that smokeshow fireflames 11 outta 10 -- guess what, I'll bet you a Stanley Nickel you blow your load before you get half that anaconda in her cage. Oh you're gonna rally? No you're not because now you're in your head and you're back to the smush and pray technique. Not a good look. If only you had a way to stall for 5-10 minutes... but nope, the mood is killed she's gonna be gone before you can say morningwood all because you never doubled down.

Listen, I've seen and done it all fellas. At the end of the day, girls are fucking whackjobs when you're in the bedroom arena. It doesn't matter how good looking or funny or charming or rich you are... if you can make her climb the walls, you own her. Period. End of sentence. Not everyone can be a Rastafarian, but everyone can be a properly trained pervert... and let me tell you, the latter always wins out anyway.

6:29pm PST -- April 17, 2014

Zihuatanejo. Ever heard of it bro? What kind of horseshit escape artist doesn't know to get outta dodge as soon as you see daylight? You coulda been sippin Mai Thai's with Andy and Red by now but, noooo, you gotta lallygag around the crime scene like Pepe Lepu playing grab-ass with your girlfriend. Listen, I don't care if you climbed over the wall by scaling a replica of Fenway you built outta your own feces, if you don't have a getaway plan then you might as well just pull a Brooks and hang yourself.

This coulda been you Pepe

8:12pm PST -- April 17, 2014

Also... Not to rub salt in the wound here but maybe Claude should show the boys this ridiculous highlight reel before game 2 to make sure Datsyuk is put on his ass everytime he gets the puck with some momentum.

Just a shot to the groin any way you look at it. Felt like we controlled that game. Tough to have it decided on a 3 second sprint and a shot on the run through 3 guys just inside the freakin blue line. Oh well, just have to take the next 4. (See Datsyuk's Goal below...)

9:04pm PST -- April 18, 2014

UBER TROLLS COMPETITOR

via Gawker --

Uber is a company that doesn't care about being hated. It flips off regulators, thinks taxi cabs are obsolete, and when it comes to other smartphone car services, plays very dirty. And the sabotage is happening right at the top. You probably haven't heard of Gett, and Uber would love to keep it that way. Gett provides an almost identical service—order a black car pickup from your phone, no cash needed—but lacks Uber's high profile or mammoth war chest. It also, crucially, uses a flat pricing system, without "surge" multipliers. During a recent snowstorm in New York, Uber's prices were an unpredictable "3x" of normal, while Gett just tacked on a $15 charge. It's an underdog in every way.But Uber considers Gett a threat: over the past few weeks, Uber employees have been posing as pedestrians, creating Gett accounts for the sole purpose of scheduling and then canceling Gett rides. The result is clear: wasted time for Gett drivers, fewer available rides for Gett users, and general disarray for the whole service.And it's coming from the top brass at Uber NYC.Screenshots provided to Valleywag show multiple instances of Uber staffers using dummy Gett accounts for the sole purpose of canceling rides as a diversion. This includes Uber's New York General Manager, Josh Mohrer, who ordered and canceled at least twenty Gett rides from December 30th, 2013 to January 14th of this year. Uber's Operations and Logistics Manager, Jeanine Mendez, faked three ride requests in two days—Uber's Community Manager Kimiko Ninomaya faked seven in a single day. After these rides had been canceled, Uber texted the affected drivers in an attempt to recruit them—and after all the frustration they'd had with Gett, it'd seem like a sweet offer.

Uber just gets it. You don't revolutionize a business model thats been around forever by playing nice in the sandbox. These guys not only set up service that wipes the floor with all it's competitors, but they went up against the big boys, the unions, and the government beauracracy to do it. This ain't their first rodeo and they're not afraid to get down and dirty and mix it up in the mud to stay on top. You wanna set up a copycat competitor? Well it's not gonna be pipsqueak Uber interns serving you a plate of old fashioned sabotage. No, Josh Mohrer, Uber's NYC GM himself is is gonna turn your whole operation into a Chinese Firedrill. Amateur hour at the Apollo. That's right -- Towncar to the Brooklyn Bridge? Oops Cancelled. SUV to the Lincoln Tunnel? Oops Cancelled. 4 cars to go pick up Chris Christie in NJ? Oops cancelled right in your eyeball.

Come to think of it, Uber is a lot like barstool. A dozen barstool knock offs all trying to take a shot at the king. Not on Davey Pageviews' watch. He zigs when you zag. You try to copy his material, well guess what... he's gonna hire guys to blog fake stories then make fun of them after you've already blogged it. Boom Roasted.

BTW - Josh Mohrer's Prep School Smug face is on a million.

10:50am PST -- April 19, 2014

TEEN ASKS MISS AMERICA TO PROM AND GETS SUSPENDED

via Buzzfeed:

A York, Penn. high school student tried to create a night to remember when he asked Miss America Nina Davuluri to prom during a school assembly, but was instead given a three-day suspension. The Central York High School senior had already been told by administrators not to perform the stunt, which was rumored to be happening during the assembly. “At that point in time, it was 10 minutes before the presentation, and I was pretty much set to do it,” Farves told the York Dispatch. “I was a little pressured. Everybody expected me to do it. I’m the kind of person who, if someone says I won’t do something, I’ll prove people wrong. I will.”Despite the warnings, the 18-year-old got up the nerve to ask the beauty pageant winner to prom in front of the whole student body, even bringing a plastic flower to her on stage...

.... “I do understand why the administration was mad,” he told the Dispatch. “I don’t want to be the kind of person to try to justify myself … I didn’t intend to disrespect the administration. I can see how it was seen as a slap in the face.” (cont...) Read More: http://www.buzzfeed.com/rachelzarrell/teen-suspended-for-asking-miss-america-to-prom

I know, I know... these longshot "geek asks smokeshow to prom" things have been done and overdone. It's almost always some goofball schlub or pointdexter virgin creating a giant twitter/youtube diversion from the sad fact they don't have the stones to ask the hefty girl from AP Calc to prom nevermind endure the social bloodbath that would be unleashed by asking the hot popular chick.

The difference here is Patty Cakes saw an opportunity and he seized it like a man. This wasn't some long distance impersonal hail mary of an invitation. This guy did what every other red-blooded teenager in America wished they could do -- he said to hell with the administration's warnings, to hell with the buckling fear of public rejection, and to hell with worrying about the ever present pitfalls of high school WRB (Wicked Random Boner) Syndrome. He walked right up to Miss Fucking America, shoved a plastic rose right in her eyeball and said "Hey toots... me, you, prom, handjobs. Pick you up at 8."

And when she brushed him off with a non-answer did he tuck tail and sulk back to his seat with a shit look on his face? NO... homeboy DiCaprio'd back to his seat like a boss. Did she say 'yes'? Well she sure as shit didn't say 'no'. A win's a win's a win.

Also... you gotta give this kid all the credit in the world for not letting the gestapo fun police aka school administration call his bluff, he walked the walk after talking the talk "If I say I'm gonna do something, you're better believe I'm going to do it." then faced the consequences standing up, "I get why they're mad, I'm not going to try to justify myself." That, stoolies, is what being a man is all about.

P.S... If I'm racial profiling without any fact checking whatsoever I'd say they both look Indian right? Not a bad looking couple. I'd wouldn't bet against their parents making sneaky marriage arrangements at this very moment.

2:03pm PST -- April 19, 2014

HEADS UP ALL YOU GUYS WHO HAVE GIRLFRIENDS WITH BIG VAGINAS

(jk... you got a small dick bro)

THIS HONEYBADGER IS THE WORST FUGITIVE IN THE HISTORY OF FUGITIVES

HERE'S HOW THAT DATSYUK GOAL FELT

UBER CONTINUES TO PLAY CHESS WHILE EVERYONE ELSE PLAYS CHECKERS

PATRICK FARVES CAN PLAY FOR MY TEAM ANYDAY

Hey look, man, tell me you don't like hippies, tell me you don't like music festivals, tell me you don't like drugs that make girls want to have sex with you, but don't tell me you don't like Coachella. You've never been. You have no idea what you're talking about. You're just salty because it's far away, and for people younger than you, and your girlfriend is 20lbs on the wrong side of a crop top, and your dickhead boss won't let you take a 10 minute shitbreak in peace nevermind give you time off.

Actually, now that I read that all out loud I guess you guys do have every reason to hate Coachella with the fire of a thousand suns. But all that FOMO aside... there is one point I wanna make.

If you don't like the idea of a bunch of sexy ass young smokeshows doing molly and dressing up as hipster doofuses then you have a big dump in your pants. No one takes their outfits seriously aside from trying to make them as weird as possible. Prez and Big Cat dressed up as the Hart Brothers with their fupas hanging out for Wrestlemania and crushed it. They were electric. Yes, every guy in attendance at Coachella looks like and is probably a dipshit. Yes, there are tons of Uncle Ruslan LOOSAHS. Yes, you could have a field day making fun of all the self-satisfied "music experts" tugging their puds... but if that's what you're focusing on then you're missing the real show my friend....

12:33pm PST -- April 17, 2014

ONE POINT ABOUT COACHSMELLA

Nice to see the B's come back and make a statement in Game 2. Not that they played poorly in Game 1 but this is the dominant bully of a team I've come to know and love as a fairweather playoff hockey fan. Gotta love Chara just owning his role as a professional version of the kid who's too big for the rest of the pee wee league. Hilarious.

PS... This gif comes from one of the all time funniest youtube videos. MMA legend Bas Rutten teaching you how to bar fight. A must watch if you've ever been to a bar in your whole life.

10:20pm PST -- April 20, 2014

DANGITY DANGITY DANG... THE B's REASSERT DOMINANCE

Asians gonna asian.

6:40am PST -- April 21, 2014

No words can do justice to what today means for Boston collectively and the country as a whole. I just remember back in my BC days it didn't get any better than waking up early with a couple racks and celebrating the whole day with the whole city, not a worry or a care in the world. There was a real sense of common good and community more than any other day really, even the championship parades. It was palpable.

I hope today is nothing short of how I remember it. Good luck to all the runners. Stay safe everybody.

MARATHON MONDAY... GREAT DAY FOR BOSTON, GREATER DAY FOR AMERICA

Ever since this goddamn video came out all I've heard is basic bitches calling other girls basic -- usually anyone hotter than they are. "She's just, I dunno... basic." Oh you mean hot and slutty and guys want to fuck her? She's not "unique" with "thoughts" and "opinions" like you? Is that what basic is these days? Then sign me up.

Newsflash ladies... you're all basic. That's right, except for the rare "Bad Bitch" diamond in the rough, girls by their very nature are basic. You're not funny, you're not original... You Basic. Just to prove it to you, here's a quick checklist. Do you blast Beyonce 24/7 because you "can't even"? Boom. Basic. Do you own high waisted jean shorts? Boom. Basic. Do you DVR "Girls"? Boom. Basic. (Lena Dunham... woof) Do you instagram idiotic quotes in fancy fonts? Boom. Basic. And if you don't believe me it's because (surprise, surprise) You Basic.

Here's the good news -- guys don't care if you're basic. I bet half of the stoolies out there don't even know what basic is... all we want is for you to mix in some cardio a couple times a week (I dunno, maybe get crazy and throw some squats in while you're at it), flash some titty every now and then, and embrace blowjobs. That's it. That's all you gotta do and you win. Here are some examples to further illustrate my point.

Basic Bitch

Bad Bitch

Baddest Bitch

7:12am PST -- April 21, 2014

Now I'll fully admit that homegirl didn't exactly seem into all the grunting and heavy breathing. In fact, she basically tried to run away the whole time. So before I get started I just want to state loud and clear that I'm very much against any and all rape culture... human, tortoise, or otherwise.

Having said that...

Talk about electric! That finish? Are you kidding me?! My man had to stop and catch his breath mid "arrival" to really drive it home. Honestly I had to catch my own breath halfway through I was so captivated on the edge of my seat. This right here is what separates the men from the boys, the winners from the losers. This is what you call leaving it all out on the field. Losers always whine about their best, winners go home and fuck the prom queen... or in this case a very relectuant lady tortoise.